Our New "Normal"

So the most apt quote I've heard about the NICU comes from one of Rigby's NMP's and it went something like this:

"Being in the NICU is like being on a roller coaster with a blindfold on.  You never know when you're on your way up or down, or when you're nearing the end, and it's terrifying the entire time."

To say our life has been a roller coaster for the last two weeks is really an understatement.  Rigby has had three "go home" dates scheduled for him... and just in time for each, he's managed to do something that earns him more quality NICU time.

Rigby's got some pretty substantial reflux problems.  He refluxes so badly, that he needs to hold his breath to protect his airway.  Sometimes when he does this, he holds his breath so long that he turns blue.  It is utterly terrifying.  Definitely the worst part of the roller coaster ride.

When he had his first "spell," I was reduced to hysterical tears.  Now, three spells later, I still get pretty freaked out.  But I deal.

The bottom line is they will not let him come home until he can go a week without having another apneic episode.  I am glad for this.  If he was home when these spells happened, there's a chance he wouldn't come out of it. Where he's at, he's constantly monitored and has excellent nurses to help him out when he can't bring himself around.  He's exactly where I want him to be when and if he has another spell.

The problem is, each spell means another week in the NICU.  Another week where I feel like a celebrity mom with highly-paid nannies who doesn't REALLY get to raise her baby, and not like a REAL mom.

Every one told us to enjoy life before the baby, because we'd never go out to dinner/movies/anything ever again.  Well, we're still going out to dinner (thanks to my VERY generous mom).  We'll be sitting in a restaurant, and all I can think about is that my life seems pretty much the same (minus the massive sleep deprivation) as it was before Rigby... and I want it to be totally different.

I want to be home with him, changing his diapers, and being stuck at home for long evenings with the baby.  I WANT to not be able to go out to dinner.  I just want him home, safe and sound, like any other normal baby.

But if he was, maybe he wouldn't look this cute:

He's so beautiful, it makes my heart hurt.

And it this is the only way I get him, I'll take him this way.  I can make it a few more weeks with this new "normal." He's worth every second.